my hands on the keyboard, trembling like i have never written. i am writing here for the thosands time, but i cant just press the button send.i feel like i am too full of broken thoughts,that even,the web will freak out ifiwritewhat itruely feel. i feel like i ll hurtwhoever reads this,like i am damage.no i am happy and all.nothing like i wasauear ago,which scares the fuck out of me and makes me content. i dont know where i am leading my thoughts too...or where i wanna lead them..my heads full of disasters and happy endings, there s something that doesnt let everything around me be still, and life stop being vulgar, i am not thinking of the perfect worlds, i just dnt wanna take....all the shitty happinnes i do get to. °i dont know wht i need want or dreeam bout no more,i deserve to spill out,spit on the crap around me,kiss the beauty around.
i wonder..why..why do people always talk bout the shit tht colours this world...shit like smiling,auppoer,friendship, love,affection,beauty,music,art,books,sex,etc, but nothing bout stuff that uncoulours it- that makes u wonder if u belong,if u need to go on, tht [hotoshops out of the pretty coloured withgood lighting portrait of urs an old scrambled grey cut out of a newspaper..why nobody talks boutit...i dont mean the grief and sorrow tht makes ur life black..tht makes u numb, tht makes one a noone. i wana..no ineed to know, wht the fuck makes people colourless..see through,though full ofhidden misfits..how longs the longest you have gone without feeling? whts the longest one can go on and still be alive without living? when do youknow you are dead? when do you know whens the right time to fake a smile, to laugh on the outside and creep in side?when do u know when s the right time to start, or to stop? when do you know that you know? when do you know that you need to be saved, and if not, you are gone away, far far away, and see your body walk around, live,do things, exist, but you are watching yourself. sitting in the corner, of a coridor, that doesnt truely exist, taking your deep drag of nicotine, wondering why it cant get dangerous enough, to kill you at once, and not slowly and unpainfully. but then..when your cigarettes over..you get up ..and walk away..even further away from ur body..to throw the cigarette into the bin, that is not there. why?